Frustrated

This  week has been rough. I know I'm going through my frustration and angry phase...

Can soon to be moms please shut up about feeling tired going into your next trimester? Can you please shut up about your pregnant weight gain? Can you please shut up about how uncomfortable you all are? Shut up and be completely and utterly grateful you get to feel anything at all. I literally went onto FB 5 mins ago and found three posts in a row from pregnant mamas complaining for the world to hear how pregnancy is just so hard. People, please stop pandering for pity. It's childish.

It is so infuriating to hear pregnant women complain. I admit. I was one of them. When we were pregnant, I felt awful. Thankfully I didn't parade it around social media, but I did complain. I wish I could shake some sense into that girl and tell her "enjoy feeling miserable. It means you are growing life. So don't complain".

So pregnant moms, stop your complaining. Be grateful you get to birth your son or daughter in a short while. I don't get that privilege.

And while I'm in my irrational and angry state of mind.., here's something else that pisses me off. I am grateful for ladies opening up about their loss. I know they are trying to bring comfort to me. But what has been driving me nuts is the comparison. What do I mean? Listen, I have had friends lose babies well into 20+ weeks. Friends that have lost their precious babes shortly after bringing them into the world. I would NEVER DARE compare what we went through at 17 weeks to their experiences. I'm smart enough to know what they went through was far more devastating. So, it can be hard to have ppl tell you that they know exactly what we are going through because they miscarried at 6 weeks. You don't. You truly have no idea. Just as I have no idea what you went through at 6. I'm not trying to say losing a baby early on isn't equally horrible. What I am saying is all losses are different. Saying they are all the same is wrong. All experiences are different. All losses are different. Different ppl, different circumstances, different everything. It's just so disrespectful to tell someone you know exactly what they are feeling when clearly everyone has a different story. I've learned that the best way to help others is to stop giving advice and tell them you love them. That you'll be there for them beyond the first few weeks of grief because that's when you really need support.

It completely sucks to have had to  cremate our son.  I'm so angry right now. And I'm fine with feeling angry. I'm not going to shove down my emotions and get over it.  My dear friend Cliff reminded me I'm a human being and it's okay to feel what humans feel. Anger. Sadness. Grief. Confusion. Hurt. Two months in and  my heart is still shattered. I remember hearing women that had gone through miscarriages and as time wore on, thinking "they should kinda be getting over this...time to move on". Holy crap. What a terrible thing to think.

I guess I'll just end my ramblings here and post a picture of my dog. She makes me smile.

New thoughts

19 friends are having babies. All post pictures on Facebook of their growing bellies. All reaching our baby's 'week' and surpassing it.  All happily complaining about feeling sick or feeling ''huge".  And don't get me started about what happens to these women after their babies arrive. Mom posts are the worst! But these were all things I was excited to do.

But something weird happened. I now have zero desire to do any of that cutesy pregnant stuff for the future. My perspective has completely changed after the miscarriage....things I'll carry with me for the next pregnancy.

I no longer will concern myself with cute pregnancy shoots or what the chicest maternity outfit would look best. I won't spend all my time reading mommy war debates. I don't need to overthink how we will creatively announce our next pregnancy (because most likely we won't announce it). I don't want to fall into the trap so many moms fall into by spending crazy amounts of time on FB posting every moment of their pregnant and mommy lives.

If we are blessed to find ourselves pregnant again, I hope to spend my time praying for my future babe, not posting a weekly belly shot. I hope I will be praying he or she grows up with integrity, humility, a heart to love and serve others. I want to spend my time praying for Trevor and me to be the parents our child deserves.  I want all these things to consume my time. And when he or she arrives, I really want to spend my time engaged, living life with him or her...instead of posting every minute of it. I'm sure there will be days of a pregnant or mom post in the future. I just hope it's not all consuming.

saying goodbye

I had written a long post almost immediately after we found out we lost our baby at around 17 weeks. I never posted it, and I'm glad I didn't. Those feelings and emotions are for myself and Trevor. I will post words spoken from another that give a glimpse of how I have felt...



Psalm 6:
"Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long? I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow"

Tumblr

Sometimes I just don't have enough to write or say that's worth a 'blog' post. So I started up a little tumblr where I can just blog little bits of whatever. I've been using it more on a daily basis vs. this little site. So, if you're bored...just head on over.

http://trevorandmadie.tumblr.com/

Rend Collective Experience

Through Instagram, my attention was brought to Rend Collective. I love their heart and concept behind worship. I also loved what they said about 'being on fire':

"Jesus wants to set the church on fire so that the world can warm themselves around us and find light and safety".

Isn't that lovely? I watch a lot of those Man vs. Wild survival shows because let's face it, I'm waiting for the impending zombie apocalypse to occur and I need to be prepared. But what I've learned through those shows is the importance of fire. Fire keeps you warm, it keeps you safe, and it can keep you alive. People following Jesus tend to use the expression, "set me on fire". I took it to mean that I wanted to be passionate for the Lord. But now I'm also loving the idea that God wants us to be on fire for him so the broken and weary can come to us for refuge. They can find safety because Jesus has stoked a fire within us that draws people near.

Anyways, check out Rend Collective. So good. 

Little Ones

Devastating

I read a tweet after the Clackamas mall shooting that said they were afraid this 'wouldn't be the last shooting of 2012'. Here we are, just days after that shooting and I wake up to find that 26 were killed in an elementary school. 18 CHILDREN and 8 adults. Let that just sink in for a moment...

My heart is unbelievably sad right now. I pray that we aren't so calloused to such events that we hear the news and go on throughout our day. If you aren't moved to tears and if your heart isn't breaking... you should probably take a good look inside as to why that is. I cannot imagine what these little ones had to witness... their friends and teachers shot in front of them? Little ones in art classes hiding in school closets...

I wrote a post a few months ago about the shooting in Colorado. How quickly did we forget about them? How quickly will we forget about this shooting? What will it take for our country to deal with our insanely loose gun control laws? How many children will it take to be gunned down for us to wake up to our countries sick views on violence? I'm tired of people saying that it's not guns that are the issue but the people behind them. Yes, that is partially true but if those people didn't have access to guns, we'd have 20 little children alive and looking forward to Santa. There were 15 mass shootings this year alone. I was just watching a gun control debate and I'm so sick of hearing that we need more guns so these things don't happen. What a load of crap. Have we completely gone off the deep end? FIVE year olds were murdered! I'm so angry right now I could scream.

Japan has one of the strictest laws regarding guns. The only guns allowed are shotguns and rifles. It is no easy task to obtain one. Japan has the second lowest murder rate in the world. I've never felt as safe as I did when I was in Japan. In 2008 the USA had over 12,000 firearm homicides. Japan had 11 for the ENTIRE year. Less than the Colorado shooting. By the way, 11 gun related homicides was considered shocking to Japan. Their minds must explode when they hear about us.

We pride ourselves in our 'right to bear arms'. I believe we've twisted this original statement that it's virtually unrecognizable to what the original intent was. Our country is obsessed with violence. Video games actually reward you for how many head shots you make. Is this seriously where we are at in our country? Why do you need access to assault weapons? Why do we need hand guns? What is the point of them except to kill as many people as possible? And as my brother said, if your argument is about hunting, you should probably stop because you're terrible at it if you need a gun that pumps out 100 rounds. Until we wake up and make serious changes, another shooting is on its way. Praying for you Sandy Hook.

New Name

Well, I am trying to come up with a new name for my little Etsy shop. I was so happy when I first came up with HunnyBoo. Taking my two grandmothers nicknames and combining them...well I just thought it was a done deal.

Right after I came up with it, that TERRIBLE TLC show "Here comes HoneyBooBoo" became a massive hit. People hear my store name and refer back to that show all the time. ARG! My little store name just grates on my ears because I simply cannot get that dumb "Honey Boo Boo" child out of my head.

I have a few other ideas for new names, but I'll take your suggestions!