Friday, February 28, 2014


This  week has been rough. I know I'm going through my frustration and angry phase...

Can soon to be moms please shut up about feeling tired going into your next trimester? Can you please shut up about your pregnant weight gain? Can you please shut up about how uncomfortable you all are? Shut up and be completely and utterly grateful you get to feel anything at all. I literally went onto FB 5 mins ago and found three posts in a row from pregnant mamas complaining for the world to hear how pregnancy is just so hard. People, please stop pandering for pity. It's childish.

It is so infuriating to hear pregnant women complain. I admit. I was one of them. When we were pregnant, I felt awful. Thankfully I didn't parade it around social media, but I did complain. I wish I could shake some sense into that girl and tell her "enjoy feeling miserable. It means you are growing life. So don't complain".

So pregnant moms, stop your complaining. Be grateful you get to birth your son or daughter in a short while. I don't get that privilege.

And while I'm in my irrational and angry state of mind.., here's something else that pisses me off. I am grateful for ladies opening up about their loss. I know they are trying to bring comfort to me. But what has been driving me nuts is the comparison. What do I mean? Listen, I have had friends lose babies well into 20+ weeks. Friends that have lost their precious babes shortly after bringing them into the world. I would NEVER DARE compare what we went through at 17 weeks to their experiences. I'm smart enough to know what they went through was far more devastating. So, it can be hard to have ppl tell you that they know exactly what we are going through because they miscarried at 6 weeks. You don't. You truly have no idea. Just as I have no idea what you went through at 6. I'm not trying to say losing a baby early on isn't equally horrible. What I am saying is all losses are different. Saying they are all the same is wrong. All experiences are different. All losses are different. Different ppl, different circumstances, different everything. It's just so disrespectful to tell someone you know exactly what they are feeling when clearly everyone has a different story. I've learned that the best way to help others is to stop giving advice and tell them you love them. That you'll be there for them beyond the first few weeks of grief because that's when you really need support.

It completely sucks to have had to  cremate our son.  I'm so angry right now. And I'm fine with feeling angry. I'm not going to shove down my emotions and get over it.  My dear friend Cliff reminded me I'm a human being and it's okay to feel what humans feel. Anger. Sadness. Grief. Confusion. Hurt. Two months in and  my heart is still shattered. I remember hearing women that had gone through miscarriages and as time wore on, thinking "they should kinda be getting over this...time to move on". Holy crap. What a terrible thing to think.

I guess I'll just end my ramblings here and post a picture of my dog. She makes me smile.

Monday, February 17, 2014

New thoughts

19 friends are having babies. All post pictures on Facebook of their growing bellies. All reaching our baby's 'week' and surpassing it.  All happily complaining about feeling sick or feeling ''huge".  And don't get me started about what happens to these women after their babies arrive. Mom posts are the worst! But these were all things I was excited to do.

But something weird happened. I now have zero desire to do any of that cutesy pregnant stuff for the future. My perspective has completely changed after the miscarriage....things I'll carry with me for the next pregnancy.

I no longer will concern myself with cute pregnancy shoots or what the chicest maternity outfit would look best. I won't spend all my time reading mommy war debates. I don't need to overthink how we will creatively announce our next pregnancy (because most likely we won't announce it). I don't want to fall into the trap so many moms fall into by spending crazy amounts of time on FB posting every moment of their pregnant and mommy lives.

If we are blessed to find ourselves pregnant again, I hope to spend my time praying for my future babe, not posting a weekly belly shot. I hope I will be praying he or she grows up with integrity, humility, a heart to love and serve others. I want to spend my time praying for Trevor and me to be the parents our child deserves.  I want all these things to consume my time. And when he or she arrives, I really want to spend my time engaged, living life with him or her...instead of posting every minute of it. I'm sure there will be days of a pregnant or mom post in the future. I just hope it's not all consuming.

Monday, January 20, 2014

saying goodbye

I had written a long post almost immediately after we found out we lost our baby at around 17 weeks. I never posted it, and I'm glad I didn't. Those feelings and emotions are for myself and Trevor. I will post words spoken from another that give a glimpse of how I have felt...

Psalm 6:
"Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long? I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow"